Don't Mind the Mess

What We’ve Been Reading Aloud

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Before I had kids I always had a picture in my mind that looked exactly like one of the illustrations in my copy of Little Women. Marmie on her chair, the girls all around, as she read. I always knew we’d read aloud even after the kids could read themselves and it’s been a nice way for us to spend a little time together. And, let’s be honest, it lets me impose a little bit of my own taste on the kids, which is nice since I leave the rest of their reading completely in their hands.

Reading together has taught me a lot. Just because I remember something fondly doesn’t mean it holds up. And it’s hard to predict what my kids will like that’s also fun for me to read.

This list isn’t as diverse as I would like, but we have at least got a lot of gender parity. So that’s something. (I would love recommendations for middle grade readalouds from authors of color in the comments!) Presented in reverse order of how recently we’ve read them. Links are to Amazon, purchasing through them helps support the blog.

The Vanderbeekers of 141st Street by Karina Yan Glaser. Vanderbeekers is delightfully old school, with big enough issues to feel weighty but light and sweet enough that you never finish a chapter actually feeling sad. The Vanderbeeker family has two parents, five kids, a dog, a cat, and a bunny who live together in half of a brownstone in Harlem, but when their lease isn’t renewed the kids team up to figure out how to convince their hermetic landlord on the top floor to give them a chance. The kids range from twelve-year-old twins Jessie and Isa to adorable five-year-old Laney, with rambunctious Oliver and thoughtful Hyacinth inbetween, there’s a kid in the Vanderbeeker clan for every personality. This is a family that always loves each other and looks out for each other, it’s heartwarming and warm as one of Mrs. Vanderbeeker’s freshly made cookies.

A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle. I wasn’t sure if the kids would want to see the movie, but I figured the book wouldn’t take us too long. I tried to read this when I was Graham’s age and really struggled with it, but it works just fine when read aloud. (It’s a surprisingly high reading level for a relatively simple story.) The book is more weird and unusual than you remember, more frustrating and slow, but the kids never seemed phased by it. It helps that it’s barely over 200 pages, we got through it faster than most books. By the end they decided that they were interested in the movie, which they liked even more. Graham peppered me with commentary on what was different, and Tessa was so hyped about being a “warrior.” Overall a great experience.

The Wild Robot by Peter Brown. This is one of the books that did the best job of engaging the kindergartener in the room. The Wild Robot has a long arc, but it doesn’t use a traditional structure. It has short chapters and sometimes there will be a shorter story that takes place over three or five or ten chapters. Roz the robot wakes up after the boat carrying her crashed to find herself the only robot on an island full of animals. Roz doesn’t know what she is or how much of anything works, so she gradually learns the ways of the world, eventually becoming foster mother to a gosling. For a book where animals can speak (albeit in their own languages), this is more realistic than you’d expect. Animals die in the ways animals often do, and winter brings with it constant threats. But the kids really got into this book and we’re also loving the sequel, The Wild Robot Escapes, that just came out. And reading in a robot voice is just fun.

From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler by E. L. Konigsburg. This was a big nostalgia pick for me, I bought my copy when I was in college because I was so determined to read it to my hypothetical children. In the present day I realized that the concept of wanting to run away from a house full of kids that spoke to me so much when I first read it was totally foreign to my kids. I remembered that Claudia was a prickly protagonist, and I definitely remembered correctly. It took the kids a little while to warm up to this one, and the reading level is high so it might have gone better if I’d waited another year. Still, for me, I like to intersperse nostalgia fests when I read to the kids. I want to enjoy it, too! And this one really hit the spot. Like so many books I read as a kid, they are enjoyed the most when you slow down and read them out loud. If you have an amazing art or history museum nearby, you should make a visit as a tie-in.

Ophelia and the Marvelous Boy by Karen Foxlee. We were recommended this book and I was amazed at how quickly the kids got into it. It is fairy-tale-esque, a little scary, and takes place in a large museum full of things, many of which are described in great detail. Because the setting was such a big part of the early chapters, I was worried, but I think the tone really won the day. As a reader I loved it, it was a lush experience, the language and the story gave me so much to enjoy. This is called a retelling of The Snow Queen but it’s an homage at best, which is fine by me. Note: dead mother.

Gooney Bird Greene series by Lois Lowry. When we moved we were looking for books about being the new kid in class and a bookseller recommended this one. This was a great read for younger kids (Kindergarten through second grade), which is tricky when so many chapter books are for older kids, so we just kept reading book after book. Gooney Bird is the actual name of the main character of the book, a new girl with a big personality, who is partial to purposely mismatched outfits and tells stories that couldn’t possibly be true, could they? But these books are about the whole class, all kinds of kids that may remind your kids of people they know. Each book also tackles a particular skill. The first book, appropriately, is about how to tell a story, another one was about geography, another tackled the human body. We didn’t quite read in order, just took what was at the library, and got through several before we moved on to other tales. Really light and funny.

All the Ramona books by Beverly Cleary. The first and most effective of our nostalgia-fests. With a kindergartener or first grader you’ve got a decent shot. I was worried the first book, Beezus and Romana, the only one where older Beezus is the main character, wouldn’t fly but I’m glad we read it. The kids were fine with it and I remembered fondly how much I loved Beezus growing up. (I was so mad when the rest of the books were about Ramona.) But the thing about these books is that even if you are hugely familiar with them as a child, they are a whole new world as an adult. You will see the Quimby family totally differently. All the things you remember are still there, but all the things that you don’t remember are even better. What kid really pays attention to the parents in a book? But wow, this was a turnaround that hit me right in the feelings. I could feel all the things that Ramona felt, but as a parent I could see a whole other level, too. I won’t lie, I cried more than once. We read the whole series. (You can skip the last book if you want to, it’s not as good as the rest.) It took us ages but I wouldn’t take back a minute of it.

We’re always looking for new reads, so please share what’s worked for your kids (and for you!) in the comments. You can continue to follow along with our reading on my Goodreads Read Aloud shelf.

The Realist’s Guide to Planning a Disney World Vacation

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At first I thought there was no reason for me to write anything about our trip to Disney. There are so many resources out there with exhaustive amounts of information on Disney run by people who know the park far better than me. Those sites can help you with a lot of your logistics, but I wanted to write about actually getting through the trip with kids and with your sanity intact.

Our Disney trip was mostly for the kids (I’ve been plenty of times, they’d never been) but I also wanted to have a good time. I didn’t want us dissolving in meltdowns and tantrums, I wanted some quality family time. We were really successful so I thought I’d share some of what I learned along the way that is less about our specific plans and more about the kind of guiding principles to use while you plan to make your trip really enjoyable. Planning this kind of trip can feel overwhelming, especially with all the new bells and whistles, but you can do it and you can have fun.

The Things They Don’t Tell You

Let’s take just a minute to be thankful for all the Disney websites.

That said, think about where you are on the scale of Disney obsession. If we make it a scale from 1 to 10 I’m at about a 6, with a long history of going to parks, family connections to them, and a lot of nostalgia. To run a Disney website, you’ve got to be at least a 9, which is not a bad thing. But it means you’ll have a different set of priorities and opinions. If you’re a 3 or a 4, where you’re really just there for the kids, you need to take a lot of what these sites say with a grain of salt.

Even the budget sites I looked at still recommended staying on property, even though you can find places to stay off site that are nicer rooms at half the price. Because for a 10 on the Disney Scale, being on property is almost always going to be worth it. So make sure you go into your reading and researching with an estimate of how many grains of salt you’ll need to add to what you read.

So let’s run through the parts of your trip that may be not so magical:

  • The food. Sure, Disney can be a very fancy destination for foodies… if you’ve got the cash. But I wasn’t going to spend over $30 a plate at all, not to mention every day. That leaves you with a lot of very mediocre food. I chose our hotel partly because of the food court and all the options it provided, but after we went once we never went back. It was not good. You can find some good food at a reasonable price (we did!) but you’ll need to do research. TripAdvisor and Yelp are useful.
  • The bus. Oh lord, the bus. Over and over sites would tell me how the bus transportation would make my life easier and simpler. As a long time resident of a major urban center where I used public transit every day, I was happy to do it. Except this was like riding the bus to work with a bunch of people who have never ridden a bus in their lives. Plus a lot of cranky toddlers. And 5 double strollers. And that’s after it comes, a few times we had over half an hour sitting and waiting with no information on when a bus would be there.
  • Lines. There will be a lot of lines. A lot. We went on the off season and we still only walked on to rides a couple of times the whole trip.
  • Crowds. Again, we went on the off season and there were still people everywhere. And all the people have giant strollers or scooters.
  • Privacy. You will have none of it. On our third day, I was in the shower for around a half hour because I was just so happy to be by myself.
  • On Property Hotels. You are paying for the “convenience” of the bus system (okay, the airport bus and airline check in on site is pretty sweet) and the theming of the property itself. Your hotel room will not be as nice as your average Hampton Inn. (To be fair, I do love a Hampton Inn.) It was pretty darn tiny. I could hear every toilet that flushed in our entire building all night long even though I wore earplugs. Our pool was just fine, but it was busy even on a day with a high of 77 during the off season. I can’t imagine summer.
  • Kids Meals. I’m shocked I didn’t run into a Disney Kids’ Meals rant during my research. If you are okay with your kids eating chicken nuggets and mac & cheese for every meal for your entire trip, then you’re set. Otherwise you’re going to have to do some deep research (and possibly spend more money) to find healthier options that won’t break the bank.
  • Inflated prices. Disney is going for dollars, we all know it. Budget accordingly.
  • Other people. While plenty of people are thrilled to be at Disney (and hopefully you are, too) but you’ll be surrounded by people having a not-great day and having it quite loudly. They may be next to you in line or at the next table at dinner or the next seat on the bus. You’re gonna need some grace.

Now that we’ve run through that, let’s talk through how to manage it.

Sorry we are too busy having fun to take selfies of all the fun we are having.

A post shared by Jessica Woodbury (@jessicaesquire) on

Know Yourself

Ah yes, the old put your own oxygen mask on first rule. If your kids are going to have a good time, you need to be happy and comfortable. So think about the things you need for that!

For this trip I wanted a lot of convenience. It would be the kids’ first time to the park and my first time bringing kids. Going as an adult gives me a lot of flexibility and I knew there may be some unexpected issues with kids. I chose to stay on property because I wanted to simplify the experience, get all the perks, and see how they did. I hoped that taking some of the work off my shoulders would help me relax. This was pretty successful!

I also didn’t want to worry about money on this trip. I did all of that before we left. I started saving a year before our trip, which gave me time to make sure I had all our costs covered and then some. We didn’t do a dining plan, so I left for the park with money set aside for our meals and other purchases. I used my Simple card as I was saving to keep our “fun money” separate from our everyday budget. I connected my card to my MagicBand so I could leave my wallet and purse behind.

Even if we could have managed a Disney trip financially before now, I wouldn’t have gone because I know me. Stroller life is not my life. There was no way I’d set foot in the parks until both kids could manage the walking on their own.

I also know that I don’t like to be spontaneous but I do like to be flexible. I hate HATE spending time after a ride debating what to ride next. I had a basic itinerary for each day before we left and then each night we’d talk it through so we were all on the same page. We left plenty of room for changes, but mostly this helped us keep from walking back and forth across the park constantly. The kids are pretty good about letting me set an itinerary or letting me set out some options they can choose from. This worked well for us on site.

Know Your Kids

This is going to be a lot for any kid. It’s also going to be a lot of delayed gratification. There are a lot of things they would like to have where you will say no. Even if you spoil your kid at Disney, there will always be another thing they want around the corner.

Have a plan about what you’ll say yes to and talk about it with your kids in advance. The whole time we were planning this trip, I was also talking to the kids about how we were saving our money for Disney World, so when they wanted to go to the arcade or the trampoline place I’d remind them that our extra money was going to our trip. Before we went to Disney World I told them that they were able to pick out something within a specific price range. I also told them they could have one treat each day. For my kids it was a good balance of special treats and knowing in advance what they were going to get so they could plan accordingly.

Set a basic schedule and build in recharge times. We had a plan to make the first day the longest, with a short second day, and a late start with a lazy morning on day 3. We ended up sticking to it pretty well and we talked it through ahead of time.

Know whether your kids are able to effectively gauge their own level of energy. If they aren’t, you’ll need to keep tabs on them and look for signs of fatigue. Graham is great at speaking up for himself and each day he was able to let me know when he was done. But my kids are “let’s go to bed early tonight” kids when they’re tired, so I could trust them to make that decision. If your kids aren’t that type, you’ll need to keep your eyes on them and give them advance warnings of how much longer/how many more rides.

Know how you’re going to use discipline. We all need to use threats or rewards for good behavior, know what you want those to be. In the heat of the annoyed moment it’s easy to throw out a “Stop it or we’re all leaving right now,” and that’s fine if you’re actually willing to stick to it and everything that goes along with that. It may end up being worse for you than it is for your now-tantruming kid. For Tessa it was pretty easy: her birthday pin was her ticket to a free dessert at every meal and dessert is basically the thing she cares about most in the world. Getting to wear her birthday pin meant she had to keep whining to a minimum and it was a pretty effective incentive.

If your kid is eligible for a disability pass, make sure you’ve read up on it in advance and have a plan. For us it was about avoiding anxiety that can build up the longer we wait in line. Being able to do that waiting out of line made it much easier for Graham to get through the day and avoid a worry spiral. We still waited in shorter lines to help the kids work on their waiting skills. The first day we had to get used to planning around that built in wait time, but by the second day we were much better at it.

Single parent note: The park is not easy for single parents with more than one kid. It’s a tall order to ask another adult to come with you, but I would definitely consider it, especially for younger children. Kids under 7 cannot go on a ride alone, so if you have two kids under 7 it’s going to limit what you can do, especially if kids disagree on what they want to ride.

Do Your Research

Look, I wish I could say you don’t have to research this trip. I wish I could say you can just wing it. But your kids are going to be overwhelmed and unpredictable and you need as much control over the situation as you can.

If you haven’t used the new app and FastPass system, I recommend reading up on it. It’s significantly harder to figure it out in the park than it is in advance. I don’t love this system, you shouldn’t have to be booking specific rides so early, but in the end it was one less thing to worry about when we were there. Even if you’re only booking those FastPasses the day before, I’d still recommend booking them ahead. By the time we could get more at around 4pm, all the good rides were booked for the day. For rides where you can’t use a FastPass but that have a long wait, try going right at the very beginning of the day, during parades when crowds go down, or in the evening when families with small kids have headed home.

Don’t take advice blindly. I did some crowdsourcing while I was planning because I was worried that I wasn’t ready for a visit with kids. I wanted wisdom from friends who went regularly. It turns out I took hardly anyone’s advice. Ultimately I realized that other people’s trip priorities aren’t mine, and we were definitely operating on different budgets. Other people’s “can’t live without” things were my “why would I do that?” things. It turns out that I was pretty darn ready. I just had to trust myself.

I knew food would be an issue for us since Graham is not a normal kids meal kid. I read every single menu for every single restaurant in every single park we visited and made notes in a Google doc to make sure my kid who won’t eat mac & cheese or hamburgers would have good options each day that also gave us adults food worth eating and would keep us within our budget. Did it take a long time? Yes. Did it pay off? Absolutely. It was much faster to check that google doc on my phone during the day than to pull up a bunch of different menus when we were hungry and hangry.

Be Prepared

The My Disney Experience app was incredibly helpful for us. It did stall a couple times when we tried to do something extra like book a dinner reservation or order food in advance, but otherwise everything was really smooth and I used it constantly during the day. It kept me from having to remember things like fast passes and meal reservations, it helps you plan by showing wait times, and it comes in handy in a pinch if you’re looking for bathrooms nearby.

Don’t forget things to keep your kids happy outside the parks. We brought card games for evenings back in the hotel and plenty of activities for the airplane.

Make a packing list. If you’re going to be going without a rental car, you’ll be hard pressed to get anything you forget. I kept a memo on my phone that I added to for a few weeks before we left whenever I thought of something new. I knew exactly what I’d be putting in the small bag I’d take into the park (phone, extra battery, collapsible water bottle, mini sunscreen, TableTopics cards to use in line, snacks) and I even managed to get to Orlando WITHOUT FORGETTING TO PACK ANYTHING. It is an actual miracle. (I did forget to turn the heat off while we were gone, though. Perils of leaving home at 5 a.m. with kids.) If you do need stuff and don’t have a car, Orlando does have Amazon Prime Now service, we had several groceries delivered to our hotel.

What We’re Doing Differently Next Time

First off, hooray for a next time! As a Disney lover I was hoping the kids would have a great time. And since they do well in situations where they are familiar with things and can think them through in advance, I knew that for any vacations the ideal spot is somewhere they have visited before. It’ll also give them the chance to have that pre-trip excitement when you know what’s coming. I checked in with them regularly to see how they felt, we talked through once again that this would mean saving our money to come back, and they agreed that it would be worth it.

For the kids everything worked out really well. But I struggled with the crowds, the food, the buses, etc. The kids didn’t enjoy the hotel experience so much that I feel like we have to repeat it. And the thing I wanted most during our trip was to get us all out of one small hotel room together. We’ll be staying off property next time. We can probably get a 3 bedroom house to rent for around half the price of our hotel. I’ll have to add the price of a rental car and on site parking, but the privacy and space will be well worth it and it’ll still be cheaper overall. It’ll give us easier access to off-site food and even the ability to cook in our own kitchen. It’ll be a longer drive in, but I’m not sure it’ll be that much longer since we won’t have to wait for an unpredictable bus.

Initially Graham wanted a longer trip. Ours was only 3 days in the park with some extra time on site before and after since our flight there was early in the morning and our flight out was late in the afternoon. But ultimately we were all beat after 3 days and agreed that we don’t need any more. Even though we never made it more than 8 hours in the park at a time. Every site I visited made it sound like anything less than 5 days wasn’t even worth the trip. (Again, those grains of salt.)

This trip my Mom was kind enough to come with us. I knew Graham would struggle with being alone on rides where only two riders could sit together. But now that he’s experienced and feels more confident, he won’t need the support on the next trip. Having an extra adult was great, we could split up for rides and end the day at different times. But it’s a huge ask to have someone join you on a vacation that’s on your schedule rather than theirs and comes at significant expense. For next year we may see if friends or family are interested in joining, but we’re not going to add more kids to the crew (I’m trying to diminish the chaos next time, remember?) and we’re going to plan as if we don’t get any additional companions so that we’re ready for that scenario. Plus, with car rentals included we’d all need to come and go at the same time which removes one of the major bonuses of having an extra adult.

I’d love to hear what you learned from planning a Disney World vacation, especially any tips to help us pick a vacation rental for next year! What did I leave out and how was your experience the same or different?

We paid for this trip and all the trappings out of our own pockets, no sponsorships here.

Best Books of 2017

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It was kind of a weird reading year for me. Usually by now my Best Of list has over 20 books on it and I have to pick and choose what I include. At first I only had 15 Best picks and 2 honorable mentions. But even though I spend basically all year marinating on the list, a few books called out to me all day and I realized that they should really be on this list and I sat down and redid just about everything below 10. 1-10 gets cemented pretty clearly in my brain but below that I was leaving out some great books. So here is my longer, better list.

Presented below in alphabetical order by title.

1-5

Exit West by Mohsin Hamid. A delicate and sure modern, surreal fable of immigration and the search for home.

Hunger: A Memoir of (My) Body by Roxane Gay. One of the most affecting memoirs I’ve ever read, it’ll change the way you look at the world. Gay wants to show us what it is like to exist today as a fat woman.

Ill Will by Dan Chaon. An unsettling thriller that examines the perils of masculinity and obsession, with a side of Satanic Panic from the 80’s for extra fun.

A Kind of Freedom by Margaret Wilkerson Sexton. This is one of the big below-the-radar books this year that I want to tell everyone about. I almost missed it myself. A gripping story of optimism, class mobility, and loss through three generations of a New Orleans family.

Sing, Unburied Sing by Jesmyn Ward. Technically my #1 for this year, it was a pretty clear choice for me. This book is a mashup of The Odyssey and Toni Morrison that’s haunting and complex.

6-10

Amatka by Karin Tidbeck. Scandinavian bleakness meets surreal speculative fiction. This was my first novel by Tidbeck and it was inventive in a way I found incredibly exciting. I definitely need to read more of her.

The Fact of a Body: A Murder and a Memoir by Alexandria Marzano-Lesnevich. Thanks to the publicist who sent me a hand-written card telling me exactly why I should read this book. I usually avoid true crime, but this one is affecting and heartwrenching.

The Hole by Hye-Young Pyun. My only real regret this year is not re-reading this sly, smart horror novel from Korea. It reminded me of Shirley Jackson in the way it crept up on me. Another under-the-radar read I recommend you track down.

Home Fire by Kamila Shamsie. Muslim, politics, and terrorism collide in this novel, which made me a little hesitant to read it, but it works so well. This isn’t a hot button issue thriller or a lofty theoretical analysis, but a story that’s rooted in everyday life and families.

White Tears by Hari Kunzru. A trip of a horror novel about hipsters, racism, appropriation, and music. This was one of the most exciting and bizarre books I read this year and that’s a huge compliment.

11-15

Chemistry by Weike Wang. This is one of those books that has spent months living in my head and growing there. At first it felt like it was keeping me at a distance, but eventually I got so close to the failed grad student at its center that I don’t think I’ll ever quite lose her.

Difficult Women by Roxane Gay. A powerful and affecting story collection that showcases Gay’s agility and her uncanny knack of making you feel seen and understood. I saw real experiences here I have never seen in a book before.

Marlena by Julie Buntin. If you enjoy books about obsessive teenage female friendships, this is one of the best ones I’ve read. But beware, the chills of the small town in Michigan where it’s set may get into your bones.

No One Can Pronounce My Name by Rakesh Satyal. This book makes me smile whenever I think of it. While it certainly belongs in the larger category of immigrant stories, these are the stories of the immigrants who don’t fit into their communities and how they find their identity.

The Refugees by Viet Thanh Nguyen. A moving and affecting story collection that’s a strong follow-up to Nguyen’s debut, The Sympathizer, one of my favorite books of 2016.

16-20

Everything Belongs to Us by Yoojin Grace Wuertz. How class affects the friendship of a group of college students. Set in the social and political upheaval of 1970’s South Korea.

The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas. The big YA book of the year is also worth the buzz. I was skeptical after hearing all the accolades but it measures up. It’s a book teens (and plenty of adults) should read.

Long Way Down by Jason Reynolds. A one-sitting YA novel written in verse about family, poverty, and cycles of violence that never feels preachy and packs a big punch.

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid. A last minute addition thanks to a few late recommendations. A bubble bath of a book about old Hollywood that’s an excellent treat yourself read.

The Wanderers by Meg Howrey. The astronauts for the first mission to Mars embark on a 17-month training mission. It’s a novel about scientists, something I love, and a novel about what it’s like to be in a family with someone who’s always willing to leave you behind for Outer Space.

 

Honorable Mentions

Borne by Jeff Vandermeer.

Her Body and Other Parties by Carmen Maria Machado.

Human Acts by Han Kang.

Little & Lion by Brandy Colbert.

Pachinko by Min Jin Lee.

 

I have spent a lot of the year feeling like I didn’t have as many best books as usual, but when I made this list I realized that there have been books I left off that may not have hit me immediately upon reading them, but that snuck up on me and ended up getting lodged firmly in my brain. So it was better than I thought.

I meant to do a whole re-reading project this year but only made it a few books in. It’s hard for me to do anything prolonged. (Which may be why the 5th Patrick Melrose book has been sitting on my bed, untouched, for a few weeks.) But the first book I re-read was easily one of my best reading experiences this year. It was the new audio version of The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, a book I hadn’t read since it came out. I was worried the audio wouldn’t work because it’s such a dense book, turns out it’s better on audio, you finally get to feel the rhythm in the prose. My other biggest backlist standout was also audio (in fact, all of the backlist titles I’m mentioning here were audiobooks), True Grit by Charles Portis, which is a nearly perfect book with my new favorite first person narrator. I also caught up on a couple recent hits that I thought I would like but that it took me a while to get to: The Sun Is Also a Star by Nicola Yoon, which is one of the most lovely and romantic YA novels I’ve ever read, and The Argonauts by Maggie Nelson, which made me concentrate pretty hard, but also made me think a lot about art and gender and parenthood.

There were easily 20 more new releases this year I could recommend without reservation. Little Fires Everywhere! This Is Just My Face! The Birdwatcher! And I wasn’t great at keeping up with releases this year, but you can always follow me on Goodreads to stay up to date on what I’m reading.

How did your year in reading go?

How to Have a Solo Thanksgiving

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It seems like this year I’m seeing more people than usual who won’t be going home for Thanksgiving and won’t have all the trappings of the holiday in their life. I realized that I’m in a unique position to offer some help! I am basically an expert at going solo on Thanksgiving, or at least not being at your normal Thanksgiving. My entire adult life, since when I would never get to come home in college since holiday break was just a couple weeks later, I have had way more non-Thanksgivings than actual Thanksgivings.

I’ve gone to a few other people’s Thanksgivings, I’ve done Friendsgiving, and all that. But I’ve also done none of these things and I am here to tell you that this is actually a pretty solid way to spend the day.

Here’s a few tips to help you with your solo Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is Terrible

This is the most important thing you need to remember. As the holiday gets closer you’re going to get sucked in to this nationwide narrative that Thanksgiving is this perfect day. Everyone is going to their family. Everyone will have a perfectly cooked meal. Everyone will eat and enjoy each other’s company. Everyone will eat pie. All of this is, honestly, bullshit.

Thanksgiving is stressful. It’s hot and crowded. There’s like 85 hours of football games playing on tv all day long. And in our current day and age there’s even bargain shopping on Thanksgiving.

People who go home for Thanksgiving are traveling during the busiest travel days of the year. They are grumpy and annoyed. They are tired and frustrated.

People who go home for Thanksgiving are in small quarters surrounded by their families. People they tolerate for a few days a year and guess what! Today is one of those days! People get anxious. They try not to fight. They also sometimes just fight. Think of all the people writing in to advice columns this very moment because they are concerned about what’s going to happen with their family next week.

You have a pass from all that. You do not have to be around people you don’t really enjoy being around! You don’t have to try to maintain a conversation while a very loud football game plays in the background! You don’t have to be in charge of a complicated dish in a hot, crowded kitchen.

You, my friend, are free.

You Can Still Have The Food You Like

There’s basically two elements to Thanksgiving: family and food. We’ve discussed the first part, now on to the second major element.

Missing food you only get once a year does suck! Let yourself mourn that. But you also do not actually have to miss all of it if you do not want to!

You can make the dish you love to make for Thanksgiving. You can also purchase pre-made versions nearly everywhere you look. (Grocery stores, to start with, especially the fancier ones.) You can have your own ridiculous Thanksgiving feast if that is what makes you happy.

A few years ago I would celebrate Thanksgiving by ordering the “Feast for Two” from the local Indian place. It was just expensive enough for me to never indulge in it normally, but it was basically 4 courses for $25 per person and we would eat it for DAYS. It was a perfect time to indulge.

You can also skip the food all together! I tend to eat whatever is laying around, but I also buy myself a pumpkin pie and eat a slice or two each day all week. It is my own pie and we have a very close bond by the time it is gone. I get to eat way more pie this way than I ever do when I go to “real” Thanksgiving.

It’s All Up to You

If there has anything I have learned about being alone (without family, without my kids, without friends) generally and on holidays, it’s that I have the power to control how I deal with it.

If I decide to be mopey, I will be mopey. I can wallow in loneliness and self-pity. And I’ve absolutely done that a few times.

But I can also decide to make the day whatever I want it to be. (This same trick applies to pretty much any holiday, but it also applies to birthdays. I am an expert at being in charge of my own feelings on my birthday, which has been awful whenever I let other people celebrate it for me.) I don’t have the same solo Thanksgiving every year. Sometimes I decide I’m going to do a bunch of writing. Sometimes I go to the movies–twice!–and catch up on the new releases. Sometimes I just sit around all day reading and sleeping in and binge-watching television. Sometimes I do work, even.

The one trick is to make sure I’m deliberate about it. I decide what the day is going to be. I usually have some plans around how I will treat myself in simple ways. These don’t have to be things that cost money, it can just be letting yourself do a thing you don’t normally. Like a nap or a long bath. I know these things are coming so I look forward to them. It helps me set the mood for the day, helps me plan, helps me monitor my state of mind.

Sometimes it is active work keeping yourself happy on a solo holiday. Sometimes it’s easy. But you should definitely lay some groundwork. Think about what simple and wonderful things you can do for yourself.

Also keep in mind that even if you have an invitation to join someone for Thanksgiving, you do not have to go if you don’t think that’s your best way to spend the day. For me, sometimes it’s been good to have and other times I would rather be on my own. You are not obligated to attend someone’s Thanksgiving. You get to do what you want. (You can even skip your family’s Thanksgiving! You can do that! There may be some fallout, but still!)

 

I wish you luck in embarking on Thanksgiving alone. I’m really looking forward to mine. It’ll be nice and quiet. Me and a pumpkin pie.

All the Summer Reads

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You probably know from my summer reading lists in 2016, 2015, 2014, etc. that I don’t believe in the “beach read” concept. I just want a book that grabs me, I don’t care if it’s light or heavy. But, as always, I’ll make sure to make it clear how far on the light-to-heavy spectrum a book is. I’ll start light and work my way up. As usual, links are to Amazon, and if you purchase through them I may get a small commission.

First up a few honorable mentions because this list was ridiculously long: I’ll Eat When I’m Dead by Barbara Bourland (murder mystery at a high fashion magazine featuring lots and lots of outfit descriptions), Standard Deviation by Katherine Heiny (character-driven domestic drama with top notch writing), Universal Harvester by John Darnielle (creepy literary fiction if you want something midwestern and moody), Priestdaddy by Patricia Lockwood (memoir of a highly unusual family with a distinctive voice and I hear it’s great on audio), and This Is Just My Face, Try Not to Stare by Gabourey Sidibe (celebrity memoir that’s super fun and perfect plane reading).

Startup by Doree Shafrir. My review of this book calls it, “frothy,” “smart,” and “compulsively readable.” If I was going to give my top pick for beach/plane/speed reads of the summer, this is the one. At the center of the book is an app, a startup founded by the same guy who has founded every startup, and an online media site focusing on tech news, where a reporter starts to hear about some possible dirt on the company. If you have ever worked in this kind of setting, this book may be a little too real.

The Prey of Gods by Nicky Drayden. A friend of mine called this American Gods meets District 9 and that’s not so far off the mark. This is a WILD sci-fi/fantasy novel set in South Africa with a diverse set of characters and a storyline that is unlike anything you have ever read. If you feel like every book you read is the same, that they’re all cliches, I can promise you this book is different. It’s a rollercoaster ride that won’t ever go where you think it’s going to. And if you’re tired of the white-male-ness of SFF, I highly suggest supporting this book from a black female author. (I am also reading N. K. Jemisin this summer, who I like even more.)

Magpie Murders by Anthony Horowitz. A mystery-within-a-mystery, one of them of the old school English countryside variety, the other a modern thriller set in London. Our narrator is an editor, and the internal mystery is the manuscript from one of her most successful authors. But there’s a problem, and a real-life mystery to solve. I am nostalgic for old-school Christie-esque mysteries and most of this book hit the spot, and the two plots means that nearly any mystery/thriller reader is going to enjoy themselves. One of my go-to recommendations of the year.

The Birdwatcher by William Shaw. A mystery novel for fans of melancholy British series like Broadchurch, a solidly written police procedural. Protagonist William South is not your gritty, grizzled detective. He’s a rather soft, inexperienced patrol officer in a small town on the coast of Kent. In the first chapter we learn of two murders: that of South’s neighbor and birdwatching partner, and one South himself once committed. In parallel stories we’ll follow the search for the new killer and South’s efforts to evade detection. It’s a solid, slow-burn procedural that isn’t trying to shock you with twists but get you slowly more and more tied up with its quiet central character.

Long Black Veil by Jennifer Finney Boylan. I will read almost anything that is compared to The Secret History and this one, while very different, actually is one of the few books that makes that comparison that actually does seem to have a kind of kinship with TSH even if I can’t put my finger on exactly what it is. A group of college friends are at the center of a murder that will impact them all in unexpected ways. Years later new evidence is found that puts them back under the microscope. At first it seems like more of a suspense novel, but about halfway through you realize that this is actually a very smart character study with the crime as the impetus for everything else that happens. I would recommend going into it with as little information as possible. Even reading the jacket copy could be too much. Go into it cold, and I especially recommend the audiobook, which is read by the author.

Surpassing Certainty: What My Twenties Taught Me by Janet Mock. I enjoyed Mock’s previous memoir, Redefining Realness, which is at its heart about gender identity and finding the courage to be true to yourself. (It’s also a solid recommendation when you want to give someone a book with a real person they can root for and plenty of Trans 101 info.) Her second memoir is less your traditional queer suffering/coming out story and more traditional memoir and it’s a story most people will be able to relate to. Janet navigates first love, heartbreak, striking out on your own, finding career, and more. A good one for anyone currently navigating their way through their twenties who could use some inspiration from a great source.

No One Can Pronounce My Name by Rakesh Satyal. In a lot of ways this is part of the growing Indian immigrant fiction genre, joining the likes of Jhumpa Lahiri, Mira Jacob, and many others. These books can be difficult or heavy, they can be deep explorations of identity and culture. But Satyal has written a book that keeps that sense of purpose but is also lighter and has a sense of fun. Our main characters are Harit, a middle-aged man living with his aging mother, and Ranjana, whose only son has just gone off to college. Neither of them feels fulfilled, either by the American world around them or their Indian immigrant communities, and they slowly reach out in search of more. I found this book so incredibly satisfying and emotionally fulfilling.

Woman No. 17 by Edan Lepucki. A dark, suspenseful novel about the intertangled lives of two troubled women? Tell me more, please. If you do not enjoy books about unlikable women, please move along. Lady has clawed her way up to a life in the Hollywood Hills, a wealthy (currently estranged) husband, and a life story she has decided to write as a memoir. Esther is freshly finished at Berkeley, freshly failed at a big performance art project, and ready to start a new one: to take on the persona of her mother at her age. Her first requirement is to get a job as a nanny, which is how she ends up living in Lady’s guest house and watching her young son. They slowly accumulate possibly dangerous secrets in this study of challenging women and difficult mothers. (Note: there are some problematic discussions of autism and deafness in this book if those are issues for you. See my full review for more.)

The Changeling by Victor LaValle. I am always excited about a new LaValle book. He mashes up and messes with genres so enjoyably, he explores characters and fears so deeply. This book is all about the way family makes you afraid and vulnerable, even as it makes you brave and strong. Apollo, son of a struggling single parent, suffering from chronic strange dreams, rises from humble beginnings to become an unlikely dealer of antique books. He meets a wonderful women, and they are thrilled to start a family together until things start to go wrong. It’s spoiling the journey to say much more. But this is a book that plays with horror and fantasy and the worst fears of every parent. (Note: probably best to pass for people sensitive to issues of PPD and other postpartum mental disorders, as well as those who struggle with stories of a child in peril.)

Chemistry by Weike Wang. The unnamed protagonist of this book seems to have a perfect life. The child of immigrants, she has worked hard and made it into a good school. She is in a prestigious chemistry postgraduate program. She has a handsome and smart boyfriend. But she is slowly falling apart. Her boyfriend, also a chemist, is a better worker, faster, and more successful. Her parents constantly pressure her to succeed. She isn’t sure if she wants to continue with her studies, or her boyfriend, or much of anything. This is a book that takes a little while to get used to, where you have to get accustomed to the narrator, her prickliness and her difficultness. She is slow to open up to the reader and it is only near the end that you realize just how and why she is broken. An unusual and interesting character study.

Amatka by Karin Tidbeck. This is one of my favorite books this year and perhaps the most under the radar on this list. This is Scandinavian dystopia and I didn’t realize how much I needed it in my life. This is the kind of science fiction that does things you have not seen science-fiction do. It reminds me of how it used to feel reading sci-fi as a teenager when I didn’t even realize what was possible. It’s also a masterwork of setting and mood, with Scandinavian sparsity and a bleak society reminiscent of the Soviet era. Vanja is a government worker in this strange world who is sent on assignment to a city she has never been to. People are different in this other place and from the very beginning something feels off. Soon Vanja is pulled deeper and deeper into the mystery of what is happening in this place and to these people and I will leave the rest for you to discover.

Hunger: A Memoir of (My) Body by Roxane Gay. If you haven’t heard everyone talk about this book, I’m not quite sure where you’ve been. Needless to say, this is the best book I’ve read this year. It’s a memoir that makes you rethink memoir. Gay is not just talking about her life but her body, what it is like to inhabit the world in a body that breaks the rules, a body that is black, female, queer, and–most importantly for this narrative–fat. This is a book that cuts straight to the heart like a razor, so quickly and sharply you don’t even realize it’s happening until the blood spills out. Gay doesn’t have any two books that are at all alike, having two from her this year is just a gift. (Note: a difficult book for those who may have struggled with eating disorders or been victims of sexual assault.)

The Fact of a Body: A Murder and a Memoir by Alexandria Marzano-Lesnevich. A publicist sent me this book in the mail with a note saying that she thought, given my background, it would be a great fit. I was skeptical. I do not like true crime. But I was intrigued by the introduction, featuring the author’s first day at her internship at a death penalty nonprofit where she watches the videotape of a murder suspect’s confession. She will become obsessed with this case for reasons she does not initially understand. Eventually it will help her open up her own past, family secrets that have remained unspoken. This is a very difficult read for the same reasons that I ended up liking it so much more than I usually like true crime. It is written with deep sympathy and understanding because of the way the author goes through the story of one crime, to arrive at the story of another much more personal crime. (Note: involves murder and molestation of children.)

I am still working my way through this summer’s books, what else should I hunt down?

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