It’s the Little Things

It's ComplicatedI’m not distraught.

It’s been a few days and it still hasn’t happened. Maybe later it’ll take me by surprise and lay me low. But for now I don’t feel all those things you’d think I’d feel. Rejection, loss, anger. I’ve felt those things a lot over the last couple of years and I’ve felt them acutely in the last few weeks so it’s not like I’ve forgotten what they feel like. Rather, I think I’ve actually been able to finally let them go.

It’s over. We are not going to try anymore. It wasn’t what I wanted, but you can’t make everything better unless you’re both all in. So it’s over. That’s all that really needs to be said.

And with a couple days of crying behind me I find myself thinking about the little things.

The tan line on my ring finger. It’s not just that the skin under my ring is lighter. It’s softer, it’s a bit indented, it has a different feel and tone to it. 

It’s little things.

Now I will have to kill all the bugs myself. And replace the batteries in the smoke detectors. Troubleshoot internet problems. 

Every now and then one of these little things crosses my mind and its strangeness throws me for a minute.

No more vacations. Traveling with kids isn’t a vacation, especially alone. And by myself, where would I go? 

I am annoyed with myself that some of my sadness has more to do with being labeled “divorced” than actually being divorced. It is a way of admitting failure in front of everyone, a way you have to admit on every form you will ever fill out.

Maybe it’s good that these little things occupy my mind. There are so many big things to come. There are boxes to check and papers to sign and agreements to negotiate. There is the trick of finding consistent parenting for children too young to cope with two different ways of living. There is the career plan that was take-your-time-and-find-the-perfect-fit and is now must-be-perfect-and-must-be-immediate. There is the possibility of dating and love and relationships when I will be a single mother, where I will be bringing the biggest kind of baggage, where I will be much more than the books I read and the music I like. 

And there’s that little stripe on my finger.

I think the next thing on the agenda is to find a ring for the middle finger of my left hand, something that is not the same but that is there to look at, to keep me from dwelling on what is missing. It’s just a little thing, but little things can mean a lot.

Comments

  1. Phyllis says

    My heart breaks for you and I am sending you strength, peace, comfort, and all good vibes for a perfect job. If you need anything, please please call or email or message me

  2. says

    I love you. And will always be here.
    As for those vacations…you will find places to go. And people to do it with. Kids and no kids. I promise you that.
    Here for whatever you need.
    Alysia recently posted..Time After Time

  3. says

    My parents were divorced when I was young. We lived in Ohio. My Mom took my brother and I to Virginia Beach and Williamsburg, by herself in the old maroon station wagon. I remember it was fun and exciting. You will make your way. One step at a time. I like the idea of a new ring. Your new symbol of new strength and new beginnings. Much love to you and your babies as you start this new beginning!

  4. ropnmom says

    I am so sorry. You and your family have been in my toughts a lot lately, and I keep meaning to tell you that, but really, you have been.
    Loves and hugs!

  5. Ashley c. says

    I’m so sorry. My sister really really hated the labels too–divorced, single mom, etc. Remember that you are so much more than those labels, you are not defined by your divorce. And while this is all-consuming right now there will come a day when you won’t wake up thinking about it. And if it makes you feel any better at all, my sister thought there would be no men willing to date her with the FOUR young kids she brings to the table. Yet she swears there is an endless supply of single and divorced men (sad but also nice to know there will be men to date!). Thinking of you and sending my love.

    • says

      I go to Brooke’s blog often these days. It’s just nice to feel not so alone, to see her so all over it and happy. We’ve still got all this STUFF that has to be done and it’s great knowing that after the stuff will be a great life.

  6. Charlene says

    I’m angry for you. Then again, I’m your friend so it is my calling to do. All I can say is that there are men that will care for you more than the man you married. Then again, if it doesn’t happen, living your life for you is always a blessing too. There will be vacations. There will be adjustments. There will be friends to carry you through. There will be new paradigms & new opportunities. New hopes & dreams. Ones that are yours & not someone else’s. A ring I thought for you is by Stella & Moon. I’d get two stackable rings with your kids birthstones…..they will make the gloomy days ahead feel like sunshine ones.

    • says

      I have definitely thought about birthstone rings. I’m blue topaz, Tessa is amethyst, Graham is ruby. The blue and red and purple look nice together.

      And thanks. So many great people have my back.

  7. says

    1: “I am annoyed with myself that some of my sadness has more to do with being labeled “divorced” than actually being divorced. It is a way of admitting failure in front of everyone, a way you have to admit on every form you will ever fill out.” YES. Sometimes this still bothers me.

    2. The ring. ALSO YES.

    I have been where you are, fairly recently. Call, email, or text if you need or just plain old want. I love you and the kids very much xoxo
    Sara Snyder recently posted..RR St. Jude Country Music (Half) Marathon, Code Word: Doing the Nasty

  8. JoLee says

    So sorry. I know this is not what you wanted. When you need a vacation we’ll just have to take a girls’ trip. Love you lots.

  9. says

    I’m so sorry. This just plain sucks. New left hand ring is the perfect idea, find something that you love to look at and that inspires you 🙂 good luck on the job search too!!

  10. says

    Ohhh friend. I’m so so sorry. Listen, maybe this isn’t the time or the place, but my parents separated when I was five and my sister was two, and ultimately got divorced. I don’t have any bad memories of them fighting or anything like that. I always was just like, “well, if they didn’t get along, of course they wouldn’t stay together. What’s the big deal?” I loved having two birthdays and two Christmases and two sets of toys and blah blah blah. Later on down the line, my mom met my stepdad and my dad met my stepmom and now we’re just the happiest little group. I love my stepparents, I love my parents, and everything is just rosy. So, as shit as this is right now…things will get better, and your family will make it through, and in the end, it will still be a great family.
    Kori recently posted..Some points on Monday

    • says

      It’s totally the time and the place. Neither E nor I have divorced parents. It’s really foreign for us. And knowing that it’ll just be normal for our kids is a big comfort.

  11. says

    Sometimes things are just sucky. And you have to be in that yucky place for awhile. But let me tell you this, being in that place changes you for the better. You will grow in spite of this and be a better person because of it. Just know that this too shall pass and that you have your entire beautiful life ahead of you. xoxo
    melanie recently posted..Send Me A Rainbow

  12. randi33 says

    I’m sorry you have to go through this. My husband and I split a year ago and without a doubt I am much better off for it, and so are my kids. Also, I am going on my very first vacation EVER this summer with a man who loves me for me and loves my kids too…but the kids are staying home 😉 I wish you the best and hope the official process goes as smoothly as possible.

  13. says

    I’m sorry. I wish I had the magic words to ease the inevitable or a crystal ball to let you glimpse the possibilities ahead. You have not failed. Failure would have been to stay and allow yourself to lead a smaller life, to give less of your heart and soul because you know it wasn’t appreciated. With time, I hope you begin to adapt and find new ways to feel successful and to live large. Maybe even to sing again.
    Niksmom recently posted..Doing the Write Thing

    • says

      The embarrassment is so weird, isn’t it? It’s not an emotion I really expected, but I guess that’s because this isn’t a place I expected to be.

  14. says

    First I have to say, I am so glad I found your blog through Honest Moms. I just recently separated from my spouse and I so feel your pain. It is so hard, especially with little ones. I am going to follow your blog on Facebook and hope to get to know you better. Hang in there! You aren’t alone!

    • says

      It is comforting to know other people are out there, isn’t it? It’s easy to feel like it’s just you. Glad to have you along for the ride.

  15. says

    I’m sorry you are going through this, and I know it won’t be easy, but I also know you are strong enough to kills bugs, change batteries, and maybe even date again (someday!). I’m so proud of how you’ve handled yourself through this time. Big hugs to you.
    Jennie B recently posted..Doughnuts and Inspiration

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