It’s been a few days and it still hasn’t happened. Maybe later it’ll take me by surprise and lay me low. But for now I don’t feel all those things you’d think I’d feel. Rejection, loss, anger. I’ve felt those things a lot over the last couple of years and I’ve felt them acutely in the last few weeks so it’s not like I’ve forgotten what they feel like. Rather, I think I’ve actually been able to finally let them go.
It’s over. We are not going to try anymore. It wasn’t what I wanted, but you can’t make everything better unless you’re both all in. So it’s over. That’s all that really needs to be said.
And with a couple days of crying behind me I find myself thinking about the little things.
The tan line on my ring finger. It’s not just that the skin under my ring is lighter. It’s softer, it’s a bit indented, it has a different feel and tone to it.
It’s little things.
Now I will have to kill all the bugs myself. And replace the batteries in the smoke detectors. Troubleshoot internet problems.
Every now and then one of these little things crosses my mind and its strangeness throws me for a minute.
No more vacations. Traveling with kids isn’t a vacation, especially alone. And by myself, where would I go?
I am annoyed with myself that some of my sadness has more to do with being labeled “divorced” than actually being divorced. It is a way of admitting failure in front of everyone, a way you have to admit on every form you will ever fill out.
Maybe it’s good that these little things occupy my mind. There are so many big things to come. There are boxes to check and papers to sign and agreements to negotiate. There is the trick of finding consistent parenting for children too young to cope with two different ways of living. There is the career plan that was take-your-time-and-find-the-perfect-fit and is now must-be-perfect-and-must-be-immediate. There is the possibility of dating and love and relationships when I will be a single mother, where I will be bringing the biggest kind of baggage, where I will be much more than the books I read and the music I like.
And there’s that little stripe on my finger.
I think the next thing on the agenda is to find a ring for the middle finger of my left hand, something that is not the same but that is there to look at, to keep me from dwelling on what is missing. It’s just a little thing, but little things can mean a lot.