Now that we’re deep in the throes of winter cold and snow and chill and have a good while to go before we can pack away our coats for the season, I would like to address a number of winter grievances I have. Some of these problems have solutions, but others are desperately needed. And since they cover a wide range of issues I’ve just decided to go straight to the biggest player involved: winter itself. So winter. Listen up, okay?
The first thing I went looking for this year was earmuffs. My hair rarely does well with a hat but covering ears is a must when you commute on the bus and the train. But I struck out constantly. No one sells earmuffs anymore. Instead they sell these guys: 180s, which are earmuffs that go around the back of your head. Sounds good in theory, right? In practice, not so much.
I have a big head. Ladies hats rarely fit me well. So I was worried they’d be too small. But never fear. They are not too small. Rather they are too big. They work for a walk from my house to the bus stop and they do fold up awfully nice in my purse. But they are not made for the long haul. Here is an expertly made diagram that illustrates why:
Yes, I have tightened them. It doesn’t really make much difference. I cannot imagine what would happen if I had a normal-sized head instead of my gargantuan one.
I am also irked because these claim not to mess up your hair, but they do. I have to put them under my hair or over my hair if it’s down and it would actually be much easier on my hair to use the typical over-the-top-of-your-head-seriously-what-is-so-wrong-with-that earmuffs.
#2: Puffy Coats
I hate the puffy coats. Why do we have the puffy coats? For the kids they mean they’re unsafe in their car seats due to all the extra puffiness separating them from the straps.
And then there’s walking down a street wearing your puffy coat and skinny jeans and catching a glimpse of yourself in a store window to see you look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man on top teetering on toothpick legs. Not attractive.
Finally there’s a big issue for ladies: wearing your purse. If I am carrying a baby and toting my purse, it is basically a given that the purse will not stay on my shoulder for more than a few steps. The big puffy shoulder just lets the purse straps slide right off because it cannot make any contact with my actual shoulder for me to keep it on.
No more puffy coats, winter. Bring me something thin and sleek and super cute, ok?
When it comes to bundling up, I’ve got my top half covered. Between the aforementioned coat, sweaters, tees and tanks I can layer like nobody’s business. But for my bottom half it’s not so fun. My kids get fleece- and jersey-lined pants to keep their legs toasty. I once found out that LL Bean sells some jeans for women with flannel lining and I was super pumped and then I tried them on and they were such mom jeans I suspect they were worn in that old SNL sketch.
But after consulting with some friends I have FOUND a solution. They are called fleece-lined leggings and they are awesome. I have worn them under my jeans for the past few cold days and they are comfy and warm and I still look like a normal person in my jeans. (I have not worn them under the skinny jeans, but fortunately I only have one pair of those.)
#4: Gloves Are Worse Than Socks
I have a tough time keeping track of socks in our house. But gloves and mittens are so much worse. We don’t have enough of them so that I can just grab another when I can’t find the second one in a pair. I hereby request winter start selling gloves in 3-pair packs and 5-pair packs just like you do with socks because seriously it is making me crazy.
#5: Heating Vents
Outlets are always in the worst places. Except scratch that. They’re not. Heating vents are in worse places. They are inevitably behind a bed or the television or somewhere. I cannot find a way to arrange any room in my house so that it’s adequately heated.
I have no idea who to take this up with, winter, so I’m just going straight to you.
#6: Snow Removal
I have snow removal now and it is awesome. Though I still have to shovel the dredges that are left around my car to get it out. But really, I feel sympathy for my friends with the giant driveways and sidewalks who are not so lucky. So, winter, I suggest that everyone is entitled to one of these puppies:
So teeny. And not a snow blower but a snow THROWER, which I find kind of adorable. Looks like it takes up about as much space as my shovel. Let’s do this.
Oh, and also for the next blizzard that comes after freezing rain and takes out all our power:
You get a generator! You get a generator! Everybody gets a generator!
So winter. These are my problems. I would like you take care of these for me immediately, please.