Things are heavy around here. It’s sucking me in. I feel frustrated or overwhelmed much of the time.
I need a distraction.
And I’d like to request a distraction that’s also cute, funny, and a good kisser.
Look, I know it’s not appropriate female behavior to go around saying you want a boyfriend. It’s uncool. It’s needy. But people, I am NOT cool and I AM needy. Might as well just lay it out straight.
When you’re not even living paycheck to paycheck, but getting by on a lot of extra work on top of the paycheck and the hope that it’ll all be enough at the end of the month, you can get lost in a perpetual feeling of anxiety. It’s hard to break out of it.
Breaking out of it requires a trump card kind of emotion, one that overrules any other stuff in your life. There aren’t a lot of these. Grief is one, it turns the world gray no matter how much color is in your life. But I’m hoping for that flush of new love, that feeling after you’ve met someone where your brain takes every free moment (and plenty of non-free moments) to remember that this new person exists, that they’re wonderful, and that they’re yours.
Lately my brain takes these free moments to feel frustrated or sad or hopeless or angry or bitter or something else staunchly negative. My brain is stuck there.
So I need a boyfriend.
That’s the first reason:
1. A distraction.
There are more reasons, of course. So many.
2. Adult conversation.
It’s not as bad as it was when I was home with the kids after Tessa was born, when my only conversation consisted of small talk with Graham’s therapists or a quick word or two with the cashier at the grocery store. But my only talk is at work, and home at the end of the day is quiet. So quiet. There is no one to talk to about the victories of the day, big or small. No one to tell funny stories. No one to commiserate with when things go badly. Social media helps, but it’s no substitute for a real talk.
Yes, fun would be good. Fun that isn’t a way to keep the kids busy. Fun that isn’t for the benefit of someone or something else, but to be enjoyed by me. By us. That would be good. I miss fun. My occasional bouts of fun are still fun, but when you go out with a friend who’s going home to their husband/wife/partner when it’s over I can’t shake a tiny bit of bitterness. Like I said, the negativity is really stuck in my head and some fun would be a good way to help shake it off.
4. New stuff.
New people bring new stuff. They have different interests, they’ve read different books, they’ve lived a different life. I could use a life that isn’t mine to pull me out of this stupid hole I’m in. I love that early stage when you’ve still got so much to learn about a person, when every new detail you learn is fascinating, when every date is like a lesson in New Boyfriend 101.
Or in other words, the kissing stuff. Even a boring marriage where you exchange physical affection without thought is still one where you’re getting touched, held, kissed, etc. I get hugs from my kids, snuggles as they sit on my lap, and it’s wonderful. But it would be nice to get that from someone who’s grown-up sized, and someone who isn’t asking me for a snack while they’re cuddling. It’s just different. And the kissing and… everything else… is so exciting at the beginning. It feels like you’re eating one of your favorite foods you haven’t had in years, where it’s so familiar but it’s like you’ve never had it before and you never want to stop.
That sounds good.
6. I Deserve It, Dammit.
I do. I may have kids, but I’m a catch. I am totally date-able. I’m funny and smart and not bad to look at and I’m even feeling kinda hot what with me losing 12 pounds and all.
There are probably 100 more reasons, 1000 more reasons, but I think this is enough. I’m primed. I’m ready. I’m worried I’m too ready, that I’m jinxed because I want it. I send messages and get… nothing. I haven’t been picked up by someone in real life since grad school. It’s been quiet and I’m antsy and I’m starting to get down.