I am angry this week. Angry at everyone, everything, the universe, etc. I generally try not to blog when I’m angry or when I’m sad. (Which may be why I blog so much less.) But for now it’s unavoidable.
It’s just that life pile-up stuff. It started in September and continues to add new and frustrating and horrible things at regular instances. Every so often I get another burst of energy and can-do-ness and try to get moving… but so far it always gets defeated eventually by all the other bad stuff. The bad stuff is small and large, the kind of things that can ruin an hour or a day or a month. And I know that it’s bias. I know that I notice the little things more because I’m already looking for them.
That makes it hard to be happy about the good stuff. I try to take little joys when I can. A new book to review. A low-key bedtime. A rare morning to sleep in. But mostly I suck at keeping track of these. And I suck at enjoying them because the hole to dig out from is pretty deep. (See? This is why I don’t write when I’m angry and mad. I dwell.)
This week has been rough. For reasons I can share and plenty more that I can’t or shouldn’t. Too much money spent. A long and expensive search for a babysitter. Not nearly enough time to get things done. I clipped someone’s car while parallel parking because the guy behind me was tailgating me so I’d hurry up. I forgot my bus pass. Issues with the landlord. Bills waiting to be paid. Children always always needing things. Not enough time to put in extra work hours to get more money to pay more bills.
All this stuff brings me down. Which makes me more vulnerable to feeling angry or hurt or wounded or mistreated. It’s not a great time to get phone calls from your ex asking you for things because just seeing their name on your phone can leave you quivering with resentment from wounds that apparently haven’t quite healed all the way. It’s hard to get those wounds to heal when things just can’t go your way. It’s hard to feel good about the life you’re building for yourself when that life feels like a walk on a tightrope rather than a walk down a path.
But it isn’t the worst. Because today I had to work when daycare and school were both closed and instead of having to take a day off and use up vacation time I’ll need for winter and cold season, Cheryl watched my kids. It’s around $100 I saved that would’ve gone to a sitter and, on top of that, some peace of mind. Well, as much peace of mind as you can have when you’re angry at the universe.
There is so much I need, a bit more that I want, and hardly any of it I actually get. But today I got. Even if my dinner was scrambled eggs with a mixed in slice of cheese because it was cheap. (And the same thing I ate last night.) I make damn good scrambled eggs. I’d rather eat my scrambled eggs than restaurant scrambled eggs almost any day.